Check out our top tips for helping families deal with toddler separation anxiety!
Navigating toddler separation anxiety and separation anxiety in young kids can be a challenging journey for parents and caregivers alike. Today, we’ll dive into this common yet complex issue, exploring signs of separation anxiety and offering practical strategies for how to deal with separation anxiety in children. Easing the transition during times when the child will be away from their primary parent/caregiver can be a game changer for both the child and the adults involved!
From routines to reassuring rituals, we’ll provide valuable strategies and tips to support families in managing toddler separation anxiety with patience and compassion.
Our goals are:
-For parents to feel reassured and calm as they hand their child off to a trusted caregiver
-For professionals to feel confident and prepared with strategies that they can implement and use to educate parents
-Most importantly – for children to feel supported, happy, and cared for in multiple settings – with and without their parent present
Separation Anxiety in Kids
Separation anxiety is a normal rite of passage for most young children. Most kids between the ages of 18 months and 3 years demonstrate some level of anxiety, nervousness, or clinginess to their parent or primary caregiver when entering an unfamiliar situation.
When significant separation anxiety persists beyond the age of 3 and is so extreme that it interferes with regular activities like school, childcare, and other daily routines – it is recommended that parents reach out to a professional (like their pediatrician) for help.
Extreme Separation Anxiety Signs & Symptoms
These extreme separation anxiety symptoms may indicate that professional support is needed.
-The child has constant and excessive worry about parents/caregivers leaving, dying, or being separated from them
-Refusal to sleep without parent/caregiver
-Refusal to be in a different room of the house without parent/caregiver
-Refusal to leave the home to to enter into any unfamiliar situation
-Panic attacks, nightmares, extreme tantrums, physical symptoms (vomiting, headache) when thinking about, talking about, or anticipating separation from parent/caregiver
-Panic attacks, extreme tantrums, physical symptoms (vomiting, headache) during separation from parent/caregiver
-Any of these symptoms that follow a traumatic event (death of a loved one, prolonged illness of a parent/caregiver/sibling, prolonged separation from parent/caregiver, divorce)
-Any of these symptoms persisting beyond a few weeks when consistently presented with separation from parent/caregiver at a familiar location on a daily or weekly basis (school or daycare)
How to Deal With Typical Toddler Separation Anxiety
The separation anxiety signs listed above indicate that professional mental health support is needed. And if you’re wondering how to help separation anxiety for your child or for the kids in your classroom or therapy practice, that’s what we’re here for!
What can we do to provide support and reassurance to children and families who are dealing with typical toddler separation anxiety that occurs as part of regular development? We have lots of strategies that we use every day to help with separation anxiety in toddlers and young kids. Here are some of our tried and true techniques:
1 – Practice
Try short practice separations with familiar people (grandparents, aunts, uncles) if possible, working up to longer periods with less familiar adults (e.g. a new baby sitter).
Commit to multiple separation trials over time with a trusted caregiver or babysitter. It takes multiple separations with one caregiver for the child to build trust and get accustomed to the routine of a new setting.
2 – Stay calm
It’s important for the adults in the situation to convey a sense of calm during drop-offs and transitions. This is an important part of co regulation. If we appear nervous and dysregulated ourselves as professionals or if the parent appears nervous and uncertain, the child will intuitively feel unsafe and out of control.
3 – Empathy and reassurance
Before trying to engage the child and distract them from their feelings, acknowledge their emotions with empathy and reassurance. Prioritize working through the emotion and acknowledging how the child is feeling over getting them to calm down or stop crying. At The Treehouse, we provide lots of hugs, rocking, quiet talking/singing, and other calming strategies while the child watches the other kids in the group participate in a fun activity.
Once the child calms down a bit, then we present highly engaging activities like – adapted books, a bubble machine, play with peers, play dough, sensory bins, mirror play, light/shadow play, movement play, and other highly preferred activities.
4 – Having other kids present and fewer adults in the room
One recommendation that we make when we have a new toddler or preschooler joining us is to make sure that they don’t come early on the first day of play group! This seems counterintuitive to many parents because they think that coming early will help their child get settled.
However, we find that the opposite is actually true! When our new kids are dropped off after the play group has already started, they’re able to watch all of their new friends model separating from their parents and jumping right in to their favorite play activities. Kids who are nervous or shy seem to respond more positively to a room full of kids with a couple of trusted adults vs. a quiet room with only adults.
5 – A quick, straightforward goodbye routine
We’ve found that the best plan for drop-off is a quick, straightforward goodbye with minimal conversation between the parent and caregiver. Research backs this up, showing that minimizing the drop-off interaction (aka not lingering or getting into a long conversation) leads to more positive outcomes.
Research also shows that having the parent initiate the “hand off” – physically giving the child over to the caregiver – results in better outcomes than when the caregiver initiates taking the child from the parent’s arms. The goal is for the child to perceive that the parent is trusting the caregiver and leaving them in good hands.
Using a predictable routine for saying goodbye at drop-off time is also supported by the research. It can be as simple as using the same words and phrases each time. “Mom is leaving now and after lunch, I will be back to pick you up. Miss Claire is going to take good care of you.”
Additionally, for most kids, we prefer not to have the parent “sneak out” so we can practice saying goodbye and working through those challenging emotions.
6 – Routines and structure
Having a set routine and structure once the child is in the care of another adult is also helpful so that the child knows what to expect each time when they’re dropped off. For example, at The Treehouse, kids always come into our space and start their play group with a sensory bin that is related to the week’s theme. Next, they move to the table to do a craft before sitting on the floor to play a gross motor game. We also use visual prompts like first/then schedules, picture schedules, and timers to provide a predictable structure that is reassuring and calming for our kids.
7 – Social stories
We often use social stories with kids who have separation anxiety. These stories might include lines and phrases like: mom/dad drops me off, mom/dad will go to work, then I can play with my friends at school (including examples and photos), when I am done playing, mom/dad will come to pick me up!
8 – Comfort item from home
For some kids, bringing a blanket, stuffed animal, or other toy from home can ease separation anxiety during the transition from parent to a caregiver. We use preferred objects frequently when we’re working on transitions with kids!
9 – Calming sensory strategies
Once we have said goodbye to the child’s parent, we often use calming sensory strategies in our play to help the child self-regulate.
You can learn more about some of our favorite calming sensory strategies below:
-Calming Vestibular Strategies
-Deep Pressure
-Calming Sensory Strategies for School
10 – Understanding other experiences
Finally, it’s important to consider other challenges that the child is going through at the time (e.g. a new sibling being born, parents’ divorce, moving, death of a family member). If possible, we can try to avoid introducing new separation situations that would coincide directly with these experiences. For example, starting a new child care arrangement months before a sibling is born or considering waiting a few weeks after moving to a new house to start a new child care setting).
Again, in cases where the separation anxiety persists for a longer period of time, for older children, and/or with such intensity and significance that it impacts your daily routine, we always recommend talking with your pediatrician and seeking out professional mental health support!
Research about reducing stress during separation:
Behaviour patterns in daily mother-child separations: Possible opportunities for stress reduction
Other Helpful Resources for Toddlers
Toddler Development Stages: 1 to 2 Years – Learn more about 1 and 2 year old milestones and what to expect during the toddler years.
2 and 3-Year-Old Milestones – Learn more about what to expect for 2-year-old milestones and 3-year-old milestones.
Motor Skills Toys for Toddlers – These motor skills toys for toddlers will promote gross motor, fine motor, and sensory motor skills!
Other Helpful Resources for Self-Regulation
30 Games & Activities for Self-Regulation – How can you support the development of self-regulation in children? Check out some of our best activities and ideas here!
The Best Emotional Regulation Books for Kids – These awesome emotional regulation books for kids are the perfect way to open the discussion about self-regulation, feelings, and common emotional challenges that kids face every day!
Free Printable Emotional Regulation Activity – Use this free printable emotional regulation activity to help kids identify and label their own emotions and others’ emotions.
